Poems For Kiela

This year has been crazy. I’m sorry for everything. I won’t do that again.
I got really mixed up. Lost. Lousy. I was lousy. You deserve me. All of me.
You deserve every ounce of me. I should have never dragged you along for
the ride. I should have never allowed him into your heart. I’m so sorry.

I’m going to try and spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I’ll
never, in my life, put some one before you. I brought you into this world.
I need to make sure you survive it. I need to be there to enjoy it with
you. I need to be there with you while you’re making it better. I need to
teach you how to kick this world’s ass.

I love you so much. I feel good. I feel like I’m finally free. Free of the
guilt and the worry and the jealousy and the anxiety. I’m free of the bars
and the beer and the texts.

I’m free of unflushed toilets and dirty socks and stale food and being
pissed on at night.

You’re free too baby girl. Free of being barked at and free of hearing
cussing and inhaling cigarette smoke and feeling guilty or less than or
insignificant. You’re free to visit puna and be silly and test my
patience… you’re free to be you baby. To feel safe. And important. And
loved.

I love you.

You seem to have quite the knack for writing, as do I. You have a similar writing style, which is comforting and nice. We all complain a whole lot. We agree that our family has unfair expectations for us and we tend to feel like we’re not good enough and like we have to try harder and be better. We all want out of there. We would all rather throw ourselves at our friends and our boyfriends than be home. We all tend to pretty self centered. We think our miniscule problems are the end of the world, when they really aren’t. But in our little emotional bodies, they are. 

We have a lot going on. Living far away. Trying to pay for school with a minimum wage job… I’ve been there. Not as far as Chelsea I guess, so go Chels for taking that big leap. I’m proud of you. 

But ya Brooke, I’ve been there and its shitty. its shitty when your friends have their education handed to them on a platter and you are stuck working a shitty job to get through the day. Then to come home and feel unappreciated and less than. It sucks. Try doing that with a full time job. And a child. And a sinus infection. Haha. 

I guess a lot of things just suck. We can have a different perspective though. We can become co-dependent on others for happiness like you have with Frank and I have with Joey. Or we can change our perspective. We can listen to some music and try to cheer up. We can exercise. We can chose to feel better and be better. We can work on ourselves. Its important. 

I haven’t written in a while

I’ve been a bit distracted. 

I’m taking classes

And playing with Autism

And I’m being quite romantic.

Puna said I neglect you. 

And I think that’s she’s wrong.

I also think

My mother’s guilt

Makes for a sad sad song.

I’m sorry I’m gone.

I’m sorry I’m distant.

I’m sorry I’m wrong

If I make you feel stupid.

I’m sorry for being mad

When you cry and whine and pout.

I’m sorry for pulling your arm

When you refused to get out.

I want you to love me back.

I promise I love you too.

I feel so bad

And rather sad,

When you say, “No mommy I don’t want you”.

Its a selfish phase?

Is it baby girl?

A I always going to distance myself?

From you and your world?

Will I make the time?

To follow your every move?

Do I make you feel important?

Or am I teaching you to be rude?

You’re incredible. Your eyes. The way you dance and cry 

You’re happy smile, your laughter. 

It all makes me smile inside. 

I admire your sense of play. 

I wish I had your sense of curiosity too. 

I’m sorry if it frustrates methough, 

When your curiosity makes me impatient and rude. 

You test me

Get the best of me

My worst a lot of the time. 

You’re tantrums and tears

Build up my fears

That I’m ruining your life. 

Please love me. I love you. I want you. I need you every day. 

I think I get distracted by what he has to say. 

And its twisted and its sad and I’m sorry I’m confusing,

But you, my precious angel baby, can start a revolution. 

Take your talent and your love. 

You’re happy, playful joy.

Go out into the world, and please try to ignore the boys. 

Make a life for yourself. 

Fall down and just act crazy. 

Spend some time alone and abroad. 

Please don’t ever get lazy. 

Work hard, play hard. 

Balance better than me.

Enjoy school. 

Follow the rules. 

Be on time-

No early. 

Let’s read let’s play let’s dance. 

Let’s swim in the pool and take off our pants. 

Look into my eyes

Squeeze me tight. 

Give me kisses and hugs at night. 

Make me feel like I’m doing alright. 

Thank you for asking

If I’m sad today. 

Thank you for offering love.

Thank you for being so incredibly aware. 

Thank you for your feisty little love. 

With time baby girl, I hope to find me. I hope to grow up for our family. I hope to focus my efforts with efficiency. And make better decisions responsibly. 

I love you. Seriously. So much. 

Day one of being a resident of OB is done. I woke up at 2am because it was freezing. I woke up at 530 am, went to Kinkos to print and fax stuff for work and was 2 hours early to work. I got a chai tea and a yogurt and called my mom and my dad and my boyfriend and my boyfriend’s mom. Work was cool. I went to WalMart and Food For Less. I stocked my fridge, my shelves, my bathroom… Etc… I’m moved in. I’m furnished. I went to the beach. Ran in the sand. I walked around the whole town. Found a grocery store, coin-op laundry, a man store, deli, thrift store and a sweet punk smoke shop. I carried two stacks of wood 8 blocks. I’m going to have a bonfire tomorrow and cook hot dogs. I met my neighbor who ironically is a 24 year old white male who moves rocks for a living and is in love with his Japanese girlfriend who looks filipino and who he got with in January but is marrying in September. He and I had a beer and talked about life together. Now I have tons of work to do. But I’ll do it tomorrow. I’m tired. I miss my baby and my babe. I can’t wait for them to be out here with me. I can’t wait to run tomorrow morning and read on the beach and meet some kids and go to the street fair and have a good time. I doubled up on jackets so I’m not super cold. And I’m falling asleep to Airborne Toxic Event because every single song reminds me of Joey for some reason. Even the ones that have nothing to do with him. I think I’m just absolutely madly in love with him… So everything reminds me of him. Night!

Besties!

I feel like we had a good afternoon yesterday. I feel like I wasn’t stressed and I wasn’t rude to you and I followed your lead and got down on your level. We ate dinner beside one another and you helped me put the dishes away. We colored and took a bath together. We brushed out teeth and read some books. You fell asleep in my arms. I hate Wednesdays. I hate when I have to give you away. I always miss you. I always want to go pick you up when I get out of work. I’m going to get my oil changed today. And go pick up the registration for my car. And go running. Love you baby girl.

I freaking hate Wednesdays

She waited for the crowd to clear, before she moved in

A guilt is forming in the root of my soul. It has to do with my not being by your side three days a week. It has to do with your newly found resistance to my demands, which an optimist would call independence… But I treat you as if it’s the most annoying thing in the world. I’m terrified of what I’m doing to you. Do I make you feel good about yourself? Do I make you feel bad about myself? Am I destroying your self esteem? Am I degrading your existance? You fall asleep in his arms on Wednesday and Thursday nights. But I force you to fall asleep by yourself. And when you tantrum at my mom’s house, she comforts you and holds you. But I walk out of the room. Sometimes, when we’re playing, I ignore what you’re saying to me. How dare I ignore your precious words? Sometimes you play by yourself. How dare I allow you to play by yourself? The other night, you laid on the couch, by yourself, and watched astroboy, while I worked on another person’s homework assignment, on the computer. Do you hate the computer? Does it steal your mommy away? Whenever you leave me to go live with him, I feel an uncomfortable mix of emotions. I’m sad, because I will miss you. When I watch you wave bye to me, or give me your last kiss… I hate it. So very much. Uh. But I also feel a sense of relief. Like I needed a break from your stubborn ways. I feel a sense of regret. Like I should have cherished my short time with you and I should have taken you more places, or gotten down on the floor more, or looked more deeply into your eyes or asked you more questions or allowed you to do more and see more and try more and experience more. I hate it so much. This isn’t ideal baby girl. I’m sorry I’m doing this to you. I’m sorry I couldn’t be with your dad. I tried. I seriously tried, but I just couldn’t find happiness and I couldn’t follow my dreams. He kept me too grounded. He made me feel like I had to do it all on my own. I needed more baby girl. But now… Now that I have more, I feel like it’s at your expense. I have more at your expense. And I am happier, but you are a mess. And you live in two different houses and by two different sets of rules and you have different sleeps schedules and different eating habits and you watch so much damn tv at their house, I don’t even know what to think. I want to learn to be more patient. I have to learn to be more patient. If I don’t, I fear it will have a long time affect on you and your self esteem and your personality. I think because he has so many self esteem and security issues, I am terrified of you becoming like him. I should stop living in fear. I cried for you last night. I laid in bed and cried. And Joey told me to stop, and that I’m a good mom, but all I wanted to do was put my head in the pillow and induldge in my sorrow and guilt. And I just have to see you. I need to see you. Would he let me see you? Maybe he needs a break. I hate that you will only live half of your life with me. I hate that I have to share you. If there was one thing in the whole world that I regret about breaking it off with your dad, it’s the fact that I have to share you because I don’t want to share you. You are my daughter. I carried you. I breastfed you. I cried for you. I planned your infancy and your meals and washed your clothes and taught you to speak. I read to you every night. I got a job for you. Maybe I got a job for me. I earned a degree for you. Or maybe I earned one for me. I need you. Maybe I need you more than you need me. Maybe I only need you this much when I don’t have you. Maybe I just can’t take any more of this seperation, duel lifestyle thing and I just want you back as mine… Uh. I just want to go crawl back in bed and eat brownies and listen to music that reminds me of you and us and or life. I love you baby girl. I’m sorry if I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I’m sorry if I am making every single mistake in the book. I think I’m trying…. I hope this is my best. My sense of doubt tells me this isn’t my best. You deserve my best. How dare I not give you my very best?

I read some of my writing today. I seriously write so damn much it’s ridiculous. I wonder if you will ever actually be interested in reading my writing. I am. I love reading it. I fascinate myself. 

We’re at an interesting crossroad right now. What the hell, our life has always been at a cross road. I may possibly be throwing you in crossroad after crossroad after crossroad for as long as I’m in control of your time. Once you’re in control, I’m interested to see what you do with yourself. 

Right now I have a job. We live in a new house with new people. I applied to a new school, in a new town. I am bringing you to San Diego… away from your family and friends. Away with me. And my schooling. And my job. Or my lack of a job. We may live off of Joey’s GI bill for a while. Maybe I’ll get a part time job. Maybe I’ll get a job at a school again. And Maybe you’ll live with your dad when I’m in class. And maybe I’ll miss you like crazy. Actually, I know for damn sure I’ll miss you like crazy. 

I’m not working as hard as I was at some point. I have gained weight, and haven’t gotten out of bed for about three hours now. I’m trying to go through my entire music library and I’m barely to Band of Horses.

I’m very happy though. I really like Joey. He’s silly. And he challenges me all day long.And he flirts with me. And pushes my buttons. And wipes his boogers on me. And wants to hear me fart. We gets things done that have to be done. He’s far from lazy. He is hyper sensitive to my emotions and picks up on THEEE SMALLEST things. Like me. He is great with you. He really loves you. Truly. He loves you very much and would do anything for you. I know sometimes you feel uncomfortable around you, and he’s learning that and he’s working on following your lead. But mommy loves him very much. 

I haven’t had a drink since last Thursday, which is a really good sign for me. Beer got me fat. I had brownies this morning, a lot. And I laid in bed and ate brownies and listened to music instead of going to work. I need to not do that any more. Maybe I’ll run to work. The weather is nice. And I have the time. Actually I don’t. I think Marina needs me. I should leave soon. 

But it feels good to sit and reflect. And to just listen to music. I love sitting in bed, and writing and listening to music. I think it’s one of my favorite things to do. In the world. Just sit in bed and type my thoughts and listen to music. I am so happy. So content. So peaceful. So unproductive. So selfish. I’m always selfish. But this is really really really selfish of me. 

I need a central place to keep my writing. All of my writing. listenwerebirthing was a good, centralized blog. listenimshouting is a crazy angry aggressive secret blog that nobody should ever read. Cuddlingchaos is random. It’s like my senior year, I guess. MissMaluenda reflects my professional thoughts. I guess. Poemsforkiela are just poems for kiela. I guess. I wish I had one place to put everything. But I don’t really know where to put everything, I guess everything doesn’t belong on the Internet for every one to read. Or maybe it does. I like it being on the Internet I think. Or maybe I just like organizing it, and the Internet is an easy place to organize my thoughts.

Maybe everything can go here?

I should seriously pull myself out of bed, and go to work. Seriously. 

Today is a lazy day. Maybe today is a lazy time of year. Maybe it’s a lazy stage of life. Maybe I need to run. Maybe I need to go pick up Kiela. Maybe I’m just waiting for Joey toget home. Maybe I should go to work. 

Alright. I’m going. Kiela. There will be days like this. Where… we’re just lazy as hell. And self indulgent. Maybe that’s how I’ve been living my life. This entire time. Just only doing, what I want to do. Right now I want to write. And pretty soon, I’ll want to go to work. Yup. Right. I’ll probably regret sitting here all day. But I think I needed it. For some reason…..

Run the streets. Laughing. No shoes.

Wish you were coming with us….